Goodbye To The News

November 10, 2016

I watched the absolute death of journalism, of unbiased, objective reporting of the facts on election night.

Specifically I watched CBS destroy what was left of my belief in the existence of it.  Even more specifically I watched Gayle King, Charlie Rose, Norah O’Donnell, Bob Shieffer, and John Dickerson destroy it.  They broke my heart in the bargain.  I really liked and admired these people.  I thought a lot of them.  I believed that they were true journalists.  As it turns out, they are the exact opposite.

As I watched them fumble, flat footed, for an explanation for how they had not known what was going to happen during this election I realized that they thought they knew what was going to happen and had prepared their entire night based on that. They had decided long before election night that Hillary was going to win and that she was going to win early.  They had their talking points all laid out, their line up of factoids set out in order of appearance.  They probably even knew what time they would call the election and sign off.  I laughed at them for being silent as they sat in disbelief.  And then I got angry.  I don’t think I have ever been so disappointed by such naked dereliction of duty.

That isn’t reporting! That’s not journalism! That was a talk show.  Just like The View. The Talk. The Real.  That was nothing more than a bunch of people with an over inflated sense of their own importance sitting around trying to influence the ignorant, uneducated, hillbilly, redneck, unwashed hick people in their audience to vote how they wanted them to.  And they believed that they had done it. They believed that they had that election sewn up just the way they wanted it to be.  They were stupified when it didn’t go the way they meant for it to.

One of the most important factors in a successful democracy is a free press.  A free press assures that the people get an accurate and unbiased reporting of the facts surrounding the important events in the country and the world so that the citizenry can make informed decisions.   These people aren’t reporters of the news, they are participants in it. That makes them not only useless to us, it makes them destructive to our democracy!

To quote Walter Cronkite, “Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as similar as the Bible and Playboy Magazine.” You my ex friends are most certainly Not the Bible! You’re not Playboy either, that’s crappy to Playboy and they haven’t done anything to deserve that comparison.

I hope when things settle down and you all have time to reflect on what has gone on that you feel the shame that we feel towards you.  I hope you realize the harm you’ve done and are repentant. I hope you have some sort of understanding of the breach of trust you have caused.  I don’t hold out much hope for that. You can’t un-ring that bell anyway.

How do you like the result you created? Was it what you hoped for?


I Am A Liar

September 14, 2015

I am a liar. I am a total, complete, unrepentant, unadulterated, compulsive liar.  I have honed my skill to professional levels.  You would not be able to tell I’m lying.  I am JUST that good!  I know you think I’m boasting but I’m not.  I’m simply stating facts.  I’ve had to get this good.  It’s a matter of being able to walk through this world with my head up.  Sounds stupid doesn’t it?  Let me explain.

“How are you doing?” isn’t really a question.  It’s a social nicety.  It’s a segue to other social niceties that lead to quick getaways by people who can all then feel like they have had an acceptable social interaction without having to risk any real personal involvement.  On the other hand, for someone with a chronic illness/chronic pain it’s a minefield question.  Some people actually ask that as a real question.  When you give them the lie answer they feel betrayed when the truth comes out.  Others ask it as a  social question.  If you give these people the real answer they act like you just defecated in their dinner.  For a person who’s concentration is 80 percent involved in not screaming, trying to determine which of these people is which is very difficult. No matter which course you choose you are going to have to see a look in someone’s eyes that makes you miserable.

Luckily the chances of running into someone who really wants to know how you are feeling are almost nil so your best bet is to go with the “I’m fine.” lie.  This is the lie everyone is expecting to hear as well as the one most likely to be given out in response to the same query by you.  You don’t run near as much risk of watching someone imagine stomping a large ice pick through their partner’s ear for asking the question if you just go with this response.

“Are you ok?” I just say yes.  If I’m sending gouts of arterial blood shooting skyward hundreds of feet I’ll still say yes.  It’s my go to response.  Most of the time everyone is happy to just let it go.  I whine far too much as it is.  I want to slap myself silly sometimes just to shut me up even when I’m only thinking it.   So if I fall down or twist my ankle or drop something on my foot or stumble or hit my head or run into the doorframe or knock over the lamp or any of the hundred and seven other things I do in a day and I get asked if I’m ok I say yes.  It’s always a lie.

If you just say yes, I’m ok,  then you don’t run the risk of watching the look of social concern turn to “oh crap not again” when you start to say what’s wrong.

Here are a few more examples of my lies:

I’ve been praying for you! Do you feel better?          Me: YES!

Did you try that oil I told you about to cure your incurable condition?          Me: YES!

Did you eat that exotic food I heard about that will cure your incurable condition?         Me: YES!

Did you do that strange exercise I read about that is impossible for the most physically fit Olympic athlete to perform but you should do it because I’m sure it will cure your incurable condition?         Me: YES!

Did you find that obscure treatment I sorta remember from that book or magazine I read that one time somewhere that told about that medicine that could probably cure your incurable condition?          Me: YES!

So when people ask me how I am I lie.  I tell them I’m fine.  I say I’m OK.  I tell them I’m doing pretty good.  That way I won’t be ashamed anymore.  I won’t have to see those looks in their eyes anymore.  I won’t have to see the regret for asking the question anymore.  I won’t have to feel the humiliation of realizing that they didn’t really mean they wanted an answer for the question.  Or the disappointment that they went to all the trouble to find the one herbal remedy that would cure me and that I’m clearly too ungrateful to try it, just too much of a whiner to want to get better.


My Life With Chiari

June 13, 2012

I wrote this for a lady on a Chiari website. And since I’m whining today I decided to post it here too.

 

Looking at my life since Chiari is like looking through the wrong end of a telescope. My life went from active and open with every possibility to minimal in the extreme.  Over the roughly ten years since I was diagnosed with Chiari, I have gradually whittled away pieces of myself, my activities, my dreams, my relationships, and my possibilities.  I am left with the knowledge that I am less.  Less than I could have been, less than I want to be, and less than others expect me to be.  It is a constant humiliation. It is a constant pain in so many ways that it’s hard to imagine putting them all on paper.

 

I live in an almost constant state of dread…..I dread the beginning of each day because I know that before the day ends I am going to wish I lived a hundred years ago when people died early.  I dread laughing because if I do, people are going to expect me to do things that I either can’t do, or that I know if I do them I will pay for them later.  I dread the disappointment in the faces of the people I love when I say I can’t. I dread housework. I dread parent teacher conferences because I am usually so distracted that I can’t ask questions, I can’t think right, I can’t make promises. I dread getting a great idea because I know that it will come to nothing, because if I don’t forget it all together, I won’t be able to follow through and that is one more disappointment to add to the millions of others I’m stacking up.  I dread, and when I say dread I mean DREAD going to the doctor.  I have apparently been branded as …..I’m not even sure what. Every time I walk into a doctor’s office, they take one look at my file, smirk, and shake their head.  I am apparently an idiot because I walk in with hope every time and I walk out wishing a really big heavy truck would just hit me and take me out of this. I dread coughing(headache), using the toilet(headache), changes in weather(headache), heat(dopiness), happiness(creates expectations I can’t meet), sadness(thoughts of suicide), hope(leads directly to devastation), open spaces(nothing to hold on to), battery operated toothbrushes that my dentist HIGHLY recommends(makes me fall down if the casing touches my teeth), driving or riding in a car(obliterates my consciousness), other people’s hopes(disappointment), dreams and desires(disappointment), other people’s disappointment(wish I was dead), waking up(what new symptom, disappointment, limit), going to sleep(what will happen in the night to my brain), Wal Mart or any other store(makes me sweat and lose my mind), cooking(can’t remember the order of things to do), gardening(poor plants), mowing the lawn(vibration of the mower screws my brain to pieces), school programs that take place after 4:00 pm(too tired, too brain fried to go). This list is longer than there is time to read it.

 

I live in fear of the fallout from my symptoms. I fear open spaces because I fall(broken ankle complete with a metal plate and nine screws from stepping off of a 6 inch porch). I fear going out in public(because I have bladder and bowel incontinence). I fear that my husband and kids will get sick to death of all the things I can’t do and gradually disappear just like the rest of my life has. 

 

I used to have a life.  My husband and I used to go all over the place doing all kinds of things. We used to go to Bike Week at Daytona Beach in Florida every year. We used to go camping. We still go camping but it’s a huge production getting all my ridiculous accessories ready to go with me. And every time we screw up the desire to do anything it’s always with the knowledge that at any moment from start to finish I might have to just come home.  I used to have a job and be a contributing member of my family and society. Now I can’t remember anything.  I have lost large blocks of my life. I’m not even really sure anymore who I am, much less who I used to be because I have lost so much of myself.

 

I used to have friends. But little by little people drift away to find people who can DO things with them.  I’m ashamed to invite people to my house because I can’t keep up with housework.  I can’t bend over to pick things up, I can’t lift my hands over my head to sweep down the cobwebs, I can’t stand very long so the dishes are constantly piled sky high, I can’t even wash my hair regularly because I can’t close my eyes without falling over and I can’t hold my arms up very long to wash it, and, and, and, and. I get FUBAR’d when I ride or drive. 

 

The last time I actually tested my IQ(which was in the early nineties), it was 147. Not bad, right? Well…..it’s not good. Because I’m stupid most of the time. I used to be witty, and funny and smart. But now I get a joke the next day if at all. Partly this is because I can’t tell what people are saying.  My neurologist had my hearing checked once because of that, even though I told him that I could repeat back to him every word he said verbatim, I just didn’t know what those words meant at the moment.  That 147 doesn’t work in my favor at all.  Everyone just thinks I’m lazy, I’m lying, I’m conniving.  I went to a neuropsychologist twice. The first time she told me that the only person who had scored higher on her testing was a Neurosurgeon.  The second time I went I scored higher than him. Then she told me that there was NOTHING wrong with my brain.  After that she leaned in close and whispered…..Are you trying to get on disability?  I was so humiliated, so ashamed of myself for even being there, for wanting to find out what was wrong.  And now, even though it would help immensely, I’m too ashamed to file for disability. And every day I wait, the money I would get for it dwindles down.

 

One of my pupils is smaller than the other. Sometimes I get this thing, it’s hard to describe but I’ll try. I feel like I’m being choked only not choked of air. I can breathe just fine but when you hold your breath for a long time your face gets red and your eyes bug out and it’s like that. Just this pressure in my head like it’s trying to explode. Then I hear a buzzing sound that seems to match a heartbeat and I hear what sounds like the whoomp whoomp whoomp of a helicopter. While the buzzing and the whoomp are going on I see blue flashes of light. Neon blue. It’s really pretty. After that the pressure goes away. But while I have the pressure, the size of my pupils is REALLY different. That one scares me. I told my Neurologist about it and he set me up an appointment to have my CSF flow checked….a week later. I guess I’m stupid for wanting to have it checked while it’s happening. I’m really not sure anymore what I should expect, what’s stupid, what makes sense. Nothing in my life really makes sense anymore.

 

I hurt. Physically I am in pain almost constantly. Emotionally I AM in pain constantly. Mentally I’m too stupid to be in pain constantly and so I continue to hope. I hurt in my neck, my back, my arms and legs to a lesser extent. I would give anything on this earth to just get a massage, a neck rub. But my family are terrified to touch my neck. I feel like a leper sometimes.  Years ago I would still ask for someone to just rub my shoulders for a minute. Now I never even consider asking anyone to touch me.  My skin starves for some basic human contact. Instead I just get someone to put my TENS unit on and then I cry for a while.  Cripes I sound so damn pathetic!

So there you have it. Look fast because pretty soon you won’t be able to see me anymore.


Marriage Amendment in North Carolina

May 10, 2012

Outhouses – 61%

Functioning Brain Cells – 39%

Welcome to the modern world.

 

On the positive side, I would like to thank Joe Biden. The man has cojones the size of a dump truck.  You Da Man, Joe! 

Also, a day late, thanks go out to President Obama for finally voicing your support.  Discrimination is an ugly thing regardless of who is being discriminated against. 

My fervent hope is that my descendants will eventually grow up in the same America I grew up in, where people are free to be who they are without fearing government interference. At the moment, we are not in that same country.  It makes me sad.

For those women in North Carolina who are living with someone and you have children together I have a piece of advice.  Your children will now not be recognized as their father’s children unless you go have the father legally recognize them. Talk to a pro bono lawyer and see what you need to do to have this done.  For your children’s sake, look into it and do it fast.  Because if their father happens to pass away before this is done, they have no legal standing as far as benefits go. 

And last, but not least, shame on you North Carolina for being backward, foolish, thoughtless, and cruel.  May you reap what you have sown.  But don’t come crying when the tables turn and YOU are the one being made to feel less than human because of your own harmless personal choices. You have bought and paid for whatever you get because of your vote.  You 61% are a shameful abomination. I dismiss you from my consideration.


Random Stuff 5/7/2012

May 7, 2012

Happy Birthday to Buddha!  He’s seventeen today and they have been seventeen awesome years!  I hope they get exponentially better every year.

 

Well in roughly thirty six hours we will all know whether or not I live in a state where out houses out-number functioning brain cells per capita. The vote on the “Marriage Amendment” happens tomorrow in North Carolina. This is also being referred to as the gay marriage ban amendment.  I find myself repulsively fascinated by the very fact that with all the economic problems we have in this state, not to mention this country and around the world, the biggest ticket to the voting booth is an amendment of the state constitution that is blatantly discriminatory and ultimately pointless. 

We preach tolerance and acceptance to our children, assuming we are decent human beings, on a daily basis.  We have laws against discrimination in the workplace.  We have laws against hate crimes based on a person’s sexual preference, race, or religion.  And yet this state feels compelled to put to a vote whether or not we should amend the state constitution to say marriage is one man one woman.  North Carolina wants to make discrimination a basic part of their state constitution! What the hell?

Marriage, unfortunately, is usually one man, one woman, a woman on the side, a man on the side, a few one night stands and then divorce.  Followed closely by another man, another woman, a few more people on the side…..etc, etc. ad nauseum.

Seriously, how’s that working out for ya?

What marriage should be is two people  (and I’m not a real stickler on the numbers) loving and supporting each other and their family. Who in their right mind gives a rat’s ass what sex these people are?  Love and support is hard enough to find in this world. Why limit the places and ways people can find it? 

I will be voting against this ignorant pile of bullshit tomorrow.  We’ll see how it goes.  In the meantime, I would like to send a message to whatever ignorant, backward, family tree doesn’t branch, boneheaded fool who thought this idea up and all the can’t think for themselves, easily led, go whichever way the wind blows ass hats who supported getting it on the ballot.  Congratulations for being my current shit for brains award winners.  Way to piss on the progress this country has made moving into the twenty first century.

 


My Big Day

October 27, 2011

A couple of days ago I had the best day I have had in so long I can’t really remember. It was awesome!

No, I didn’t win the lottery or Publisher’s Clearing House.  I didn’t get a free trip to the Bahamas.  I didn’t get anything….except to feel fantastic, incredible, happy, healthy,   normal.  For me normal is the highest height I can aspire to.  It’s the highest feeling I’ve had since I got FUBAR’d.   (Thank you Arnold Chiari Malformation and MS….you suck a big green weenie)

It started when I woke up at 4:30 am.  Very unusual for me lately.  Normally I would hit the snooze about seven times and sleep until almost 5:30 am.  But I felt really awake and so I rolled with it.  I got up and fixed homemade biscuits and sausage for everyone for breakfast.  After I got everyone off to school and work, I sat down to read for a few minutes.  When I looked up again I decided that feeling normal ROCKS and so I would use that time to do something constructive.  I proceeded to clean up my paper avalanche around the computer.

When I die it is going to be from being suffocated by a large pile of paper that I couldn’t think well enough to decide what to do with. 

So I put the FAT principle into motion and divided everything into three piles: File, Act, Toss.  That eliminated about 90% of the paper.  Then I filed the F pile and that left me with the Act pile.  So far so good.  Then I tossed 3 years worth of old files and dug down to the current page of my desk calendar.  That right there is more than I’ve done in months and months. 

After I was done, I could actually get to my computer without climbing any paper mountains and without a native guide.  I was happy.  I then went grocery shopping with Rocky and Pony.  When we got back I put away groceries, loaded the dishwasher, did some laundry, and fixed dinner. 

Sounds like a small fraction of anyone’s normal day, doesn’t it?  Yeah, I know.  But for me it was like a life orgasm.  I got to spend a day being sorta like I used to be.  You know, like a real person.  Like a human being that can get up in the morning and look around and say…..I need to do this and this and this…..and not mean ONLY this and this and this but mean in addition to my normal stuff. 

What I can usually do is get up in the morning and look around and say to myself….how in the name of God will I ever be able to catch up with all this stuff?  Then I get really optimistic and say to myself….just pick a couple of things to do and don’t worry about the rest.  Then I look around and there is just SO MUCH that I haven’t done that I can’t decide what needs doing most.  Which makes me feel like a total slug and worthless in the extreme.  Then I get to feeling bad about myself and it ends up where I spend most of every day trying to keep from cutting my own throat for being such a worthless excuse for a human being. 

Because I can’t lift my hands over my head because it messes up my neck and I get headaches and vertigo, and I can’t bend down because it makes me dizzy, and I can’t stand up straight for long because it makes my knees go numb, and I can’t and I can’t and I can’t and I can’t……..!  My entire life is the things I can’t. Sometimes I just go ahead and do it anyway.  Then I spend days where I can’t think good, I can’t walk good, I can’t talk good, my head hurts, my neck hurts and that damn screaming tinnitus will not leave me alone.  I don’t understand what people are saying to me, and I don’t get what they want and I don’t know how to say that I don’t get it.  I am terrified of becoming stuck in that state one day.

But the other day……I had a GOOD day!  I live off of those like they are food.


Random Thoughts of a WTF Nature 10/18/2011

October 18, 2011

WTF is the deal with re-making films and television shows?   Has imagination gone the way of personal freedom in this country?  Can no one come up with an original idea for a movie anymore?  Put forth some effort people!  How many horrible movies do we need to re-make?  And yet ANOTHER Charlie’s Angels?  Did we not get at least three different versions of that show the first time it was on? I mean, they changed the entire freakin cast several times, didn’t they?  It sure seemed like  it to me!  Then we got the movie version….OK, I liked that one.  Mainly because I really like the actresses in it. (WTF is Lucy Liu doing these days, anyway?)  NOW we get another television version of Charlie’s Angels.  Puhleaassee!!  Get up off your asses pencils and come up with something new!  Sheesh! (Footloose sucked the first time! Nuff said.)

WTF is the idea that commercials have to discuss, along with cute little graphics no less, bowels?  Seriously?  If you have questions about that, I suggest you go to your family doctor and talk about it with him/her.  Or you could take a little trip on the world wide web and get informed by a bunch of people who wrote all about their own bowels on Wiki.  If there isn’t one, after you talk to your doctor and get all the latest info on pooping, you could invent Wiki Pee dia. LOLOL  Damn sometimes I crack myself up!!

WTF is going on with young, gorgeous teachers suddenly deciding that the only place that they can knock out a piece is with a way underaged student?  Are there no grown ups out there that you can hook up with?  It boggles my mind.  Not to mention that these folks, who are teaching our children, still haven’t figured out that if you text (or sext) a kid, that kid will….I REPEAT WILL forward that text to every single person on their contacts list the instant you don’t give them the grade they want!  It’s really not rocket science. Figure it out!

WTF is up with the political situation in this country?  I have been shaking my head for so long that I think I have permanent vertigo!  Just so you folks who are professional politicians know….most of us hate you and everything you don’t stand for.  And in case any of you think you have fooled anyone, all of you Republicans and Democrats alike can stand around until Hell freezes over with your arms crossed in front of you and pointing in both directions at who is to blame, but every one of you greedy, power-hungry bastards and bitches are to blame for the situation our country is in at the moment.  I still believe that every single person who wants to be a politician for a living should be summarily shot and that every single citizen of this country should be required to serve a term as part of their duty to this country.  It couldn’t  come out any worse than it has so far!

WTF…..teenagers.  *sigh*  Need I say more?

WTF…..all the people protesting on Wall Street, and now everywhere else?   I’ve never been able to get a firm grasp on exactly what they are there for.  The pseudo-hippy dude that always seems to be the spokesman for the groups just fascinates me so much while he’s talking that I just fugue out and start reminiscing about “back in the day” when we were all involved in “the revolution” and stuff.  We were all so self  important and sure we were doing something.  Turns out what we were doing was hanging around somewhere getting all involved in one huge mutual admiration society.  We were all so busy standing around in a circle patting each other on the back that we completely missed what the powers that be were doing behind our backs.  I’m just sayin.

 

 

 

 


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