All Of My Animal Friends Have Voices

December 30, 2011

My inside dogs, my outside dogs have voices of their own.  They talk to me and I talk to them.  I can’t imagine how lonely I would be during the day if my friends didn’t talk to me.

Shall I tell you about them?  Okay, I will.  In order of appearance:

Sugar Plum: She was dropped off here with her brother when they were puppies.  I wasn’t here yet.  She was probably between 9 months and one year old when I moved here.  Her brother had been shot by a neighbor for trying to eat their dog’s food.  Sugar got away.  But she was starving and no one wanted her…..until we came.  We consider her our good luck charm.  When we decided to buy the house, we came one day to just hang out and get used to the place.  Sugar Plum was very friendly and playful.  She was also very hungry, skinny,  and scrawny. ( She was sooo hungry in fact, that she ate my cell phone!  Ever after she would occasionally roll around on the ground and make really strange noises.  We decided that she was answering the phone when she did that. )  But I digress.  When we came to hang out that day, she was under the plum tree eating plums.  Hence the name Sugar Plum.  She speaks in a gentle, witty, sweet, wise, strong, fun loving voice.  Underneath it all is a will of iron.  She can climb a chain link fence.  She teaches all the babies how to survive.  She will defend herself and her friends against anyone and anything. She plays with the babies when they are little.  Her favorite treat is bird seed.  I love her with all my heart.

Jeremiah: Jeremiah (Jerry) came to us because The Buddha made a lil slip up.  The neighbors were going on vacation and he was given the job of feeding their dogs for them.  He was supposed to keep Fat Girl locked on the porch and keep Boy fed and watered too.  What wasn’t explained to him in detail was that Fat Girl was in heat.  And Boy, being a boy, was desperate to get to her on that porch.  Well, the vacation was over and all was well until we were informed that Fat Girl was pregnant!  Questions were asked, answers given and the mystery solved.  Seems that The Buddha felt sorry for Fatty and Boy because they were really lonesome for each other so he let Boy onto the porch to give Fat Girl some company one day!  We felt duty bound to take one of the babies.  As we walked into the yard to pick one out, this tiny fat lil rolly polly fella came running right out to us and checked us out.  On the spot My Dearest Husband chose him.  And that is how we got Jeremiah.  He was tough, sweet, very protective, and he snored.  He also taught my baby Dash how to act like a big dog.  He would find a bone, give it to Dash(who was all of six weeks old), and then come take it from him.  Dash would just sit there.  He would bring it back and give it to him again.  Then take it very slowly, gently growling while he did.  Dash would then growl his tiny baby growl.  Jerry would lick him and give him back the bone, then start all over again until he taught Dash how to defend his food or rag or stick or pebble or whatever Dashie had picked up to play with.  Jerry spoke in a strong, loud, protective, country voice.  He went missing and I miss him still.

TT: TT stands for Tiny Tot, which she most definitely isn’t!  She is Sugar Plum and Jeremiah’s baby girl.  We didn’t intend to keep her.  We went to Wal Mart parking lot to give the babies away and a girl said, “PLEASE PLEASE hold her for me while I go inside and do my shopping. I will pick her up when I come out!”  So we held onto her through three or four people who wanted her.  The girl never came back.  But when we got home, Sugar Plum was beside herself with joy that one of her babies had come home to her so we kept her.  She spent her first year being very quiet, unassuming, and watchful.  Since then she has become friendly, funny, outgoing, and smart.  She plays like she’s making up for lost time. She speaks in an exuberant voice that is strong, quiet, and vigilant. 

DeeDee: DeeDee was the only dog we ever bought.  Right after The Buddha and Princess Bella came to join our family, MDH decided that the kids needed a dog.  We decided on Rat Terriers because they are very tiny and also incredibly smart.  A lady who was selling babies was located and we went to pick one out.  We fell in love with her immediately.  Rat Terriers come in two shapes, with tall legs and with short legs.  DeeDee has tall legs.  We also fell in love with her brother, who had short legs and looked like a miniature tough guy.  He was going to someone else though, so we made our deposit on Dee and left to wait til she was old enough to leave her momma.  When we got there, the lil boy dog was still there too.  The breeder said that his girl never came and we could get him too if we wanted to.  WE DID!  So we bought both dogs and took them home to the kids as a surprise.  They were so tiny that we had both of them in a cat carrier and the kids had to peer all the way to the back to find them.  Theo died in the house fire, but DeeDee survived.  She speaks in a quiet, dominant voice that is occasionally girlish and silly.

Mini: AKA Minimum, Miniature, Mini Mouse.  She is Dee’s baby and she was incredibly tiny right from the start.  She was half the size of her siblings at two weeks.  She stayed the same size for months.  One or more of her siblings bit her head when she was little, and bit her tail and broke it twice.  I had to take her out of the pen and keep her away from the other pups.  I was going to give her away too but I could never get in touch with the guy I was going to give her to.  I would call his shop (at 2:00 AM) and he never answered.  I would drive by there with her in a carrier (at 6:00 pm on Sunday) and he wasn’t there.  Eventually I just had to keep her!  🙂  She is built like her mother, with long legs and slender body.  She is all speed.  She can lap every dog here running around in the field.  She can jump higher, run faster and go longer than every dog we have.  She is also mildly retarded, from the bites to her head when she was little I guess.  She speaks in a squeaky voice at hyper speed, often and long.  However, she speaks a foreign language and most of the time we can’t understand her at all.  But she’s funny and fun and amazing to watch.

They all talk to me all the time.  I wouldn’t change that for the world.




My Big Day

October 27, 2011

A couple of days ago I had the best day I have had in so long I can’t really remember. It was awesome!

No, I didn’t win the lottery or Publisher’s Clearing House.  I didn’t get a free trip to the Bahamas.  I didn’t get anything….except to feel fantastic, incredible, happy, healthy,   normal.  For me normal is the highest height I can aspire to.  It’s the highest feeling I’ve had since I got FUBAR’d.   (Thank you Arnold Chiari Malformation and MS….you suck a big green weenie)

It started when I woke up at 4:30 am.  Very unusual for me lately.  Normally I would hit the snooze about seven times and sleep until almost 5:30 am.  But I felt really awake and so I rolled with it.  I got up and fixed homemade biscuits and sausage for everyone for breakfast.  After I got everyone off to school and work, I sat down to read for a few minutes.  When I looked up again I decided that feeling normal ROCKS and so I would use that time to do something constructive.  I proceeded to clean up my paper avalanche around the computer.

When I die it is going to be from being suffocated by a large pile of paper that I couldn’t think well enough to decide what to do with. 

So I put the FAT principle into motion and divided everything into three piles: File, Act, Toss.  That eliminated about 90% of the paper.  Then I filed the F pile and that left me with the Act pile.  So far so good.  Then I tossed 3 years worth of old files and dug down to the current page of my desk calendar.  That right there is more than I’ve done in months and months. 

After I was done, I could actually get to my computer without climbing any paper mountains and without a native guide.  I was happy.  I then went grocery shopping with Rocky and Pony.  When we got back I put away groceries, loaded the dishwasher, did some laundry, and fixed dinner. 

Sounds like a small fraction of anyone’s normal day, doesn’t it?  Yeah, I know.  But for me it was like a life orgasm.  I got to spend a day being sorta like I used to be.  You know, like a real person.  Like a human being that can get up in the morning and look around and say…..I need to do this and this and this…..and not mean ONLY this and this and this but mean in addition to my normal stuff. 

What I can usually do is get up in the morning and look around and say to myself….how in the name of God will I ever be able to catch up with all this stuff?  Then I get really optimistic and say to myself….just pick a couple of things to do and don’t worry about the rest.  Then I look around and there is just SO MUCH that I haven’t done that I can’t decide what needs doing most.  Which makes me feel like a total slug and worthless in the extreme.  Then I get to feeling bad about myself and it ends up where I spend most of every day trying to keep from cutting my own throat for being such a worthless excuse for a human being. 

Because I can’t lift my hands over my head because it messes up my neck and I get headaches and vertigo, and I can’t bend down because it makes me dizzy, and I can’t stand up straight for long because it makes my knees go numb, and I can’t and I can’t and I can’t and I can’t……..!  My entire life is the things I can’t. Sometimes I just go ahead and do it anyway.  Then I spend days where I can’t think good, I can’t walk good, I can’t talk good, my head hurts, my neck hurts and that damn screaming tinnitus will not leave me alone.  I don’t understand what people are saying to me, and I don’t get what they want and I don’t know how to say that I don’t get it.  I am terrified of becoming stuck in that state one day.

But the other day……I had a GOOD day!  I live off of those like they are food.

Random Thoughts of a WTF Nature 10/18/2011

October 18, 2011

WTF is the deal with re-making films and television shows?   Has imagination gone the way of personal freedom in this country?  Can no one come up with an original idea for a movie anymore?  Put forth some effort people!  How many horrible movies do we need to re-make?  And yet ANOTHER Charlie’s Angels?  Did we not get at least three different versions of that show the first time it was on? I mean, they changed the entire freakin cast several times, didn’t they?  It sure seemed like  it to me!  Then we got the movie version….OK, I liked that one.  Mainly because I really like the actresses in it. (WTF is Lucy Liu doing these days, anyway?)  NOW we get another television version of Charlie’s Angels.  Puhleaassee!!  Get up off your asses pencils and come up with something new!  Sheesh! (Footloose sucked the first time! Nuff said.)

WTF is the idea that commercials have to discuss, along with cute little graphics no less, bowels?  Seriously?  If you have questions about that, I suggest you go to your family doctor and talk about it with him/her.  Or you could take a little trip on the world wide web and get informed by a bunch of people who wrote all about their own bowels on Wiki.  If there isn’t one, after you talk to your doctor and get all the latest info on pooping, you could invent Wiki Pee dia. LOLOL  Damn sometimes I crack myself up!!

WTF is going on with young, gorgeous teachers suddenly deciding that the only place that they can knock out a piece is with a way underaged student?  Are there no grown ups out there that you can hook up with?  It boggles my mind.  Not to mention that these folks, who are teaching our children, still haven’t figured out that if you text (or sext) a kid, that kid will….I REPEAT WILL forward that text to every single person on their contacts list the instant you don’t give them the grade they want!  It’s really not rocket science. Figure it out!

WTF is up with the political situation in this country?  I have been shaking my head for so long that I think I have permanent vertigo!  Just so you folks who are professional politicians know….most of us hate you and everything you don’t stand for.  And in case any of you think you have fooled anyone, all of you Republicans and Democrats alike can stand around until Hell freezes over with your arms crossed in front of you and pointing in both directions at who is to blame, but every one of you greedy, power-hungry bastards and bitches are to blame for the situation our country is in at the moment.  I still believe that every single person who wants to be a politician for a living should be summarily shot and that every single citizen of this country should be required to serve a term as part of their duty to this country.  It couldn’t  come out any worse than it has so far!

WTF…..teenagers.  *sigh*  Need I say more?

WTF…..all the people protesting on Wall Street, and now everywhere else?   I’ve never been able to get a firm grasp on exactly what they are there for.  The pseudo-hippy dude that always seems to be the spokesman for the groups just fascinates me so much while he’s talking that I just fugue out and start reminiscing about “back in the day” when we were all involved in “the revolution” and stuff.  We were all so self  important and sure we were doing something.  Turns out what we were doing was hanging around somewhere getting all involved in one huge mutual admiration society.  We were all so busy standing around in a circle patting each other on the back that we completely missed what the powers that be were doing behind our backs.  I’m just sayin.





Childhood Obesity

November 26, 2010

If you want to stop childhood obesity why not start by putting recess back in to the elementary school day?  That’s an hour a day of exercise that children don’t get any longer.  Fifteen minutes each in the morning and the afternoon and thirty minutes at lunch.  The teachers spend at least that much time in a day fussing at the kids because they can’t sit still.  If I were a teacher MY class would have recess!  Purely in self-defense.  I’m just saying.

While I’m on the subject…….we have about five sidewalks in our town.  If a kid wants to walk anywhere here they have to do it on the side of the road or through someone’s yard.  I’m talking about in town, no sidewalks!  Who wants their child to walk through downtown traffic in order to get to the park or the recreation areas? 

If we want to have healthier children in America we need to facilitate their access to healthy environments.  We can’t remove every healthy activity from their lives and then wonder why they are obese.

Things I Think Are Odd

September 7, 2009

1.  Catch and release fishing.  Ummm ok.  I think I’ll just go out here and stick a hook in a fish just for the fun of it.  But I won’t actually catch the fish for any real reason other than I want to feel like I can fish really well.  I’ll let them all go after I catch them so that I can feel like I’m not a greedy bitch.  It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that I let a fish lunge for food and BAM, it now has what amounts to a grappling hook gouged through its  facial structure.  Never fear though little fishie.  After I’m done yanking it out of your flesh while you gasp for air, I’ll turn you loose and you’ll be just fine.  WTF?

2.Three Minute Long Chantix Commercials. Holy Mother Of God!  These things last for EVER!  I timed the second one I saw, mainly because after the first one came on I went to the kitchen, got a cup of java, a lil scooby snack, checked the clothes in the dryer, and came back only to find the commercial STILL PLAYING!!??!!  What the hell did it cost to put those little devils on there for three solid minutes?  The idea of the price for that is staggering.  I hope they get their money’s worth.  If irritation was money they’d be rich off of me already.

3. Social Kissing.  Ew.  I just don’t get it.  With all the germophobia going around, why would having someone rubbing their lips all over your face be a good idea?  I’d prefer someone grab my ass to having acquaintances rubbing their face around my face.  Having been a bartender for eleven years, I KNOW where some of those lips have been and I’m telling you I do NOT want them anywhere near my mouth!  Just, ick!

4. Michael Jackson’s Two Month Long Wait For Burial.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I think that white people (yes I’m one of them) are way too quick to put their dead in the ground.  Personally I would prefer to have a little bit of time to get used to the idea that I won’t ever be able to lay eyes on my loved one again.  However, two months seems to be pushing it a little.  Where on earth was he for all that time?  Exactly where does one store the dead if you wait two months to bury them?  Do you have pay rent?  Are there utilities?  Too many questions.  And to be honest I don’t really care enough to find out the answers.  Just don’t wait two months, okay?

5. Monetary Compensation For Breaking News Tips.  That’s just gruesome!  Stop it.  It’s like getting paid to be one of those people who wave lanterns at runaway trains.  It’s getting monetary gain for someone else’s misfortune.  Cut it out.  Your momma probably didn’t raise you like that.

6. Teenagers.  Yeah, you know.  Nuff said.

Thoughts For The Day July 2, 2009

July 2, 2009

I have been busy this time so I have an excuse for being irresponsible. 

At the risk of jinxing it, I seem to feel better. Physically, anyway.  So I’ve been pushing myself lately.  Not too much, just enough to feel it a little bit.  Usually when I feel good I push myself way too far and end up FUBAR’d all over again.  I’m trying to use a little common sense this time and push myself a little at a time. 

I go outside even when it’s hot.  Doesn’t seem like much, does it?  But for me it’s huge.  I don’t do heat well at all.  It scrambles my brain and my body.  It makes me feel like I’m suffocating.  It turns my face bright red, and I get dizzy.  My body feels weak and I can’t think right.  I hear words but I don’t understand them.  It takes about four repetitions before I can finally make them make sense.  The inside of my head sounds like helicopter blades….whoomp  whoomp  whoomp.  I know how to do things but the proper order escapes me, so I get bogged down in trying to figure out if I have it right or if I’m forgetting something.  I can’t start anything because I have to keep going over it and over it to make sure I have it right.  It’s never in the same order, no matter how many times I think it through, so I never know which one is right.

I do more things that require strength.  I have a garden.  I work in it.  I dug holes and mixed dirt and planted some plants.  The Buddha and Princess Bella planted alot of plants too.  Like I said, I’m trying to push without over doing it.  Whenever I do anything that requires muscle, I only have a limited amount of time and strength to do it.  After that it’s all I can do to haul my tonnage back to a chair.  I can do it again after I rest.  No matter how much I work at them, my muscles will burn and give out after only a little bit.  I’m trying to have more little bits now, so maybe I can build myself up some. 

I take chances again.   For instance, MDH and I went canoeing down the Dan River a couple of weeks ago.  I was really scared that I wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  But I’m tired of being left behind and never doing anything, so I went.  It was awesome!  Granted, the Dan River was way high, and way fast and mostly all we had to do was steer, but I went!  And, even though my wrists still hurt even after two weeks, I did it.  The satisfaction is well worth the price. 

I drive…..far away…..every week.  The Buddha’s new counselor is in Chapel Hill.  That’s an hour drive from here.  It kills me.  Did you ever make mud pies?  Remember how they would start to dry out, but you could pat them and they would get wet all over again?  Well, riding in a vehicle is like patting my brain.  It gets all mushy and starts to lose it’s form.  It’s a damn scary thing, driving that far away.  I’m never sure if I’m going to be making it home under my own steam or not.  And it is exhausting.  Every time.  It takes me days to get over it, but I DO it. 

I read more.  This should be the easiest thing in the world, right?  No stress, no strain.  It’s not hot, it doesn’t require strength.  However, it does require me to understand the words.  If I’m doing ok, it’s easy.  If I’m not doing ok, it’s hard work.  I have to re-read the same sentence over and over to get it.  I read every book at least four times the first time I read it. 

MDH built a fire pit in our yard.  I love that thing!  I love a campfire.  There was about a year or more after our house burned down when I would go quietly insane whenever I smelled smoke.  I had a raging case of PTSD whenever I saw a flame.  I woke up a bazillion times a night thinking we were on fire again and every time I did, the house looked smokey.  But, I don’t do that much anymore. 

Anyway, we cook on the fire pit every Friday night, weather permitting.  It’s all very cave girl.  Um, cave girl and pioneer I guess.  We have the big ol Dutch oven.  That little baby is a gem!  I can start the fire, keep it going until I have enough coals to cook using the Dutch oven, and feed it coals until the food is done.  Like I said, I love that fire pit.  Can you tell?  One of my favorite things about the fire pit is that I don’t heat up my house by cooking inside.  By dinner time, the heat starts to build up in the house and the last thing I want to do is heat it up even more by cooking.  (remember the heat intolerance thing?  riiiight!) 

We moved our picnic table from the back deck to the fire pit area.  It’s the perfect place for all of us to gather up and play games or just sit and talk.  It’s also nice to sit there in the cool of the morning and drink coffee and watch the day start.  Especially since the outside dogs have taken over the porch swing and now I need to get new cushions for it before humans can use it again. 

My hummingbirds are back this summer.  I have two feeders that hang on the front porch.  If they start getting low on food, the hummers will come and hover in front of the screen door, waiting for me to come fix it!  They are fascinating to me.  The males fight like cats and dogs.  There are four hummers all together.  Two males and two females.  The males spend all of their time chasing each other away from the feeders.  The females wait until they are zooming around the field, then they will swoop in and eat until one of the males comes back.  Then they go sit in a tree until it starts again, which is usually about six seconds. 

We have quite a few bluebirds.  They love to sit on MDH’s motorcycle mirrors and fight with their reflection.  It’s hilarious.  But every once in a while it reminds me that the ancient dinosaur birds were pretty mean fellas.  I forget what they are called……raptors?  Is that it?  Anyway, birds are definitely not serene by nature.  Those pretty little bluebirds are aggressive with those reflections.  And they are building up some new White Cliffs Of Dover on the handlebars, too!  MDH is not amused.

I am now the proud new operator of a riding mower that doesn’t give me vertigo.  I can mow until my heart’s content and still be able to walk upright back to the house when I’m done.  I love the instant gratification of mowing the lawn.  I also love the smell.

All in all, for summer, things are going pretty good.  I’ve knocked wood and rubbed The Buddha’s belly for luck to keep from jinxing myself here.  (you could have bought The Buddha for a nickel when I did that) 

P.S.   Artisan Bread In Five Minutes A Day – This book rules.  The recipes are easy, they really work, and it feels really good to make your own bread by hand without having to knead yourself into oblivion.  If you’ve never made homemade bread, you’ll be an old hand at it after the second time.  It sorts itself out in your head pretty quick, and considering MY head, that means it’s easy to do.  If nothing else, borrow it from the library and try it at least once.  New experiences are good for you.

Thoughts 3.5.09

March 5, 2009

I watched Princess Bride again yesterday.  I love that movie.  It made me think though…….we see movies based on books all the time, but we never see a book based on a movie.  Why is that?


Another thing I’ve been thinking about lately is this:  Why is it that some people have no problem creating children, but when the children are no longer in their “possession”, they can’t imagine a reason in the world why they should be financially responsible?  What must one say to oneself to make it alright to not pay child support?  How do you justify to yourself that it’s okay to throw a $500.00 party, but it’s not even in the realm of possibility to pay for your child to eat, or have clothes that fit, or maybe just eat at McDonalds?  People sometimes mystify me. 


Rihanna is living proof that even celebrities are not immune to the battered wife syndrome.  Hell, she’s not even married to Chris Brown and she’s putting up with this crap.  It’s unfortunate that people see themselves from the inside out just when they most need to see themselves from the outside in.  I wish them both luck.


Why don’t the banks stop taking back houses that they can’t sell, and in the process, creating an entirely new class of h0meless people?  Why not take half payments on mortgages until the economy gets better?  Isn’t half of something better than one hundred percent of nothing? 


I’m old.  I know this not because I’m fifty-one but because I don’t get it anymore.  I don’t understand why people feel the need to live out their lives on a stage for all the world to see.  I like my life to belong to me and the people that I’m closest to.  I don’t feel the need to “update my status” multiple times a day for people that I don’t know and never will.  I don’t want pictures of myself and my family all over the internet.  I can use the phone and call whoever I want to.  I can drive down the road and see people all day long.   It seems to me that by living your entire life for the public to see makes it so that everyone feels the right to be a critic.  And in my opinion there are only two people who have a right to comment on my life and that’s me and My Dearest Husband.  Everyone else can just stick a sock in it. 


It is very, very, VERY hard to give away fifteen puppies, but it is NOT impossible if you have a nearby WalMart parking lot and a few hours!

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