1. Catch and release fishing. Ummm ok. I think I’ll just go out here and stick a hook in a fish just for the fun of it. But I won’t actually catch the fish for any real reason other than I want to feel like I can fish really well. I’ll let them all go after I catch them so that I can feel like I’m not a greedy bitch. It will make me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that I let a fish lunge for food and BAM, it now has what amounts to a grappling hook gouged through its facial structure. Never fear though little fishie. After I’m done yanking it out of your flesh while you gasp for air, I’ll turn you loose and you’ll be just fine. WTF?
2.Three Minute Long Chantix Commercials. Holy Mother Of God! These things last for EVER! I timed the second one I saw, mainly because after the first one came on I went to the kitchen, got a cup of java, a lil scooby snack, checked the clothes in the dryer, and came back only to find the commercial STILL PLAYING!!??!! What the hell did it cost to put those little devils on there for three solid minutes? The idea of the price for that is staggering. I hope they get their money’s worth. If irritation was money they’d be rich off of me already.
3. Social Kissing. Ew. I just don’t get it. With all the germophobia going around, why would having someone rubbing their lips all over your face be a good idea? I’d prefer someone grab my ass to having acquaintances rubbing their face around my face. Having been a bartender for eleven years, I KNOW where some of those lips have been and I’m telling you I do NOT want them anywhere near my mouth! Just, ick!
4. Michael Jackson’s Two Month Long Wait For Burial. Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that white people (yes I’m one of them) are way too quick to put their dead in the ground. Personally I would prefer to have a little bit of time to get used to the idea that I won’t ever be able to lay eyes on my loved one again. However, two months seems to be pushing it a little. Where on earth was he for all that time? Exactly where does one store the dead if you wait two months to bury them? Do you have pay rent? Are there utilities? Too many questions. And to be honest I don’t really care enough to find out the answers. Just don’t wait two months, okay?
5. Monetary Compensation For Breaking News Tips. That’s just gruesome! Stop it. It’s like getting paid to be one of those people who wave lanterns at runaway trains. It’s getting monetary gain for someone else’s misfortune. Cut it out. Your momma probably didn’t raise you like that.
6. Teenagers. Yeah, you know. Nuff said.