Various and Sundry

October 28, 2008

It’s Monday morning.  It’s very quiet here.  Because the kids don’t have school today, The Buddha is off spending as much time as humanly possible away from home.  He squeezes every ounce of away time out of vacations.  He’s becoming a …oh I can’t say it!…..teenager.  The entire idea just gives me the willies. 

I was just watching the news and they were telling about a dog that refused to leave a burning house until the baby kittens he was watching were rescued.  He was overcome by smoke and had to be treated.  That dog rules.  I know first hand just how loudly your survival instincts scream at you when you’re in a burning house.  That he stayed was remarkable and that he lived to be a hero is justice. 

Princess Bella has a friend named Hannah.  In actuality she has about ten friends named Hannah but I’m only talking about one of them here.  This particular Hannah is a tough little cookie.  She is the only girl in a family full of boys.  Same as me.  In consequence she is a tomboy and she’s not afraid of anything.  I like her.  Therefore I pick on her relentlessly.  She doesn’t know it though.  What I do is say her name backwards all the time and she never even knows it!  One day she’ll figure it out and I’ll be in trouble.

Our oldest daughter, Bertie, used to have twin boys in her class.  Their names were Carter and Retrac.  WTF?  I mean how lazy is that, to give them the same name and just spell one backwards?  If I were Retrac, I’d be pissed!  I have no idea if they have the same middle name. 

Sunday morning at 6:20 a.m. MDH’s firehouse pager went off.  Two teenage girls were found in a creek bed off the side of the road.  One of them was pinned inside of the vehicle, which was overturned.  There was no obvious smell of alcohol.  The drove straight off the road, never hit brakes or anything.  The girl who was pinned under the car has a head injury and was flown via Life Flight to a bigger hospital in another town.    Last I heard, texting while driving was the suspected cause of the accident.  So, in the interests of public safety and just because becoming preventably retarded at the age of seventeen sucks a big green weenie, those of you who text while driving……..CUT THAT OUT!!!!!  

The movie “There Will Be Blood” is strange.  I’m going to watch it again just to make sure, but I’m fairly certain that it’s strange.  I didn’t really get it.  However, after watching it and seeing how it went, I’m also glad I didn’t get it.  I liked the sign language in it.  We’re re-instituting sign language Wednesdays at our house.  It made me happy that I could tell what the main character’s son was saying before the interpreter spoke. 

Okay, my brain is now empty.  So is my belly.  Let’s go have some breakfast, alright?  Alright.

Aimless Wandering Of My Brain

October 14, 2008

Our local convenience stores and gas stations are having a price war.  (Excuse me while I jump for joy)  They are currently down to $2.99 a gallon.  When you consider that my vehicle sucks gasoline like an alkie at an open bar, this is happy news for me.  I hope they continue along these lines because I have been trying to wean my truck off of the stuff and it’s like trying to rehab Robert Downey, Jr.  Not gonna happen!  Any day now I expect to get a call telling me to come pick my truck up from the impound yard because it was found asleep in a stranger’s garage. 

Drew Cary sucks as a replacement for Bob Barker.  I’m not sure anyone would have been able to take Bob’s place smoothly, however, Drew Cary sucks as a replacement for Bob Barker.  I had to say it again because once is simply not enough.

I will be immeasurably happy when the elections are over.  If I see one more campaign add that features a fifteen year old video clip of one of the candidates, taken out of context, I’ll puke.  If they were more evenly matched physically, I’d just love to see them mud wrestle.  It would be far more entertaining than having to dodge all the mud they’re slinging. 

I love sunrises and especially sunsets.  This has nothing to do with anything, but as the title says, I’m rambling.

I love being grown up.  Unlike Princess Bella and The Buddha, I get to stay up as late as I want and play video games!  Yay me!  I got one for my birthday.  I rule and I have mad skillz.  No one can touch me on the game.  This is mainly because I have all day and all night to play and they don’t.  Sucks to be them.  I still rule!  MDH will catch up with me in time, but for right now, I’m da boss.

DeeDee, our momma dog, is in heat.  I let her out the other morning and she ran off for a couple of hours.  The next time I saw her she was running out of the woods from a direction I have never seen her go in.  I believe that she took off and got some “strange.”  *sigh*  This could get ugly.

Tomorrow I get to spend my third day in court at a child support hearing for the kids.  I would rather take the beating.  They never say my name, they never speak to me, yet I have to be there every time.  They would never know it if I didn’t show up.  I would be just my luck that if I didn’t go, that would be the day they decided to call my name.  You would think that after three months it would be settled, but nooooo.  Sheesh!

Strangely enough, being fifty-one is just like being fifty.  Whoda thunk it?

I always over-pack for trips, vacations, etc.  If you have it and you don’t need it, it’s no biggie.  If you need it and don’t have it, it is a biggie.

I wish I could remember to write down my ideas for this blog so that I wouldn’t forget the things I think about that I want to write. No such luck.  If I did write it down, I would forget where I put it, anyway.  The neuropsychologist told me that I needed to use organizational tricks to remember things.  She used pocket sized notebooks as an example.  Yeah, right.  I have about thirty of those floating around here.  I can pick up any one of them and read what I wrote in it, but I cannot for the life of me tell you what any of it means or why I wrote whatever it is.  It’s like reading a dead language. 

I want to learn a dead language.  That way, if I screw it up, who will know?

I sometimes consider having my legs amputated.  They usually work pretty good and there is nothing fatal wrong with them.  But if my legs were gone people wouldn’t look at me so strange when I say I can’t do something that they think I should be able to do.  That “Oh PLEASE!!!!” look would be gone.  That would be nice…….for a minute.  I guess I would rather have my legs and just hope that someday education will win the fight and people won’t be so thoughtless.  That kind of thing always makes me feel bad about myself.  It hurts.

What in the name of all that’s holy could women over the normal age for childbearing be thinking of when they deliberately get pregnant?????  Say a fifty year old woman gets pregnant.  By the time her kid is of age, she will be in her seventies.  Who the hell thinks THAT is a good idea?  On the other hand, I’m prejudiced against the idea only because I’m tired and old and I’m raising kids who feel cheated because I can’t walk through the haunted house with them.  Any of you who feel that you need to get pregnant when you’re over the normal childbearing age, just remember, you aren’t the only person to consider.  Then, when you’re done, you tell me to STFU and mind my own business.  Do what you think is right. 

I have heard and read a bazillion arguments against gay marriage and I have yet to hear a single one that doesn’t end up reading like this: “Two thousand years ago, in a land I’ve never been to, a God that didn’t belong to me told some people that have nothing whatsoever to do with me, in a language that isn’t mine and never will be, that it was a bad idea.  It says so right here in my never altered, never mis-translated, never amended, never changed by human hands, English language, KING JAMES version  Bible.”   However, those same people shave their faces, cut their hair, get divorced, steal, lie, and covet their neighbor’s ass like there’s no tomorrow.  And still there is not one iota of an indication of how gay marriage is going to harm anyone, of how it will adversely effect one single person.  If the only argument against it is a religious based one, it has no place in the laws of this country.  Get over it.

Happy Birthday To Me

October 8, 2008

Happy Birthday to me…..

Happy Birthday to me…

I feel like I’m twenty…..

But I’m really fif   tyyyyyyyy……



I’d like to thank Rocky, for having me, MDH for standing by me even though I’m certifiably insane, The Buddha and Princess Bella for not hacking me up with an axe while I sleep, and Possum for not reversing the adoption.  I’d also like to thank the Academy, only because whenever you hear someone giving a speech and they are thanking people, they always thank the “Academy” whoever that is.  Also I would like to thank “God, Jesus, The Lord” or whatever name is the current favorite for the year, just because that one always gets tossed in too, either right before “The Academy” or after.  Like Jesus is an acting coach or sumpin.  Sheesh!

I can see him now, in his long flowing robes, beautiful hair flowing in a breeze that only blows for him, light emitting from his very being, love and compassion dripping from his every pour, sitting in his director’s chair screaming “CUT CUT CUT Dammit!  That is NOT how I WANT it!  Let’s take 5 and see if MISS THANG can pull her head out of her ass and get it together here!  Water!  I need water!  Thanks….  Moses, you bastard!  How am I supposed to drink a bottle of parted water!  Smart ass.  Everybody’s a comedian” 

Yeah, getting a mention must just make His day!

Intyways……I’m fifty-one!  Yip-fuckin-ee.  My face is melting like the witch in The Wizard of Oz, just without the bucket of water and the flying monkeys.  I have jumping dogs….does that count?  I am starting to look a little bit green, though.  It’s beginning to concern me a little bit.  Not enough to actually DO anything about it but I notice it, you know what I mean?  Hmmm….is that green right there?  It is, isn’t it?  Yep, it’s green alright.  Oh well, at least it’s in a wrinkle.  Until it creeps outside of that, no one will see it but me.  I’m good!

I have this neck brace that I use when I have to ride in the car for a long time.  (another story for another time)  I was trying it on the day I got it and when Buddha saw me he asked “What is THAT for?  Did you hurt yourself?” I told him, “No, I just got tired of holding my head up.”  It took him a few seconds, but he got his patented disgusted look on his face and stomped off telling me, “Stop doing that!  I believe you when you say that stuff!” 

*sigh*  All in all it’s been a fun fifty-one years!  I hope the next fifty-one are half as good!


P.S.  Please feel free to send money, cards, gifts and ponies!  I ain’t shy and I ain’t got no shame!  Gimme!

On Why You Should Eat Dirt

October 7, 2008

I wrote apn article one time on Helium about my Multiple Sclerosis being caused by me being so clean my immune system had nothing to do.  Being an honest, hard working immune system, it decided that in order to earn its keep, it would therefore attack me.  Ha Ha, right?  Apparently, not so much.

I just read an article saying pretty much the same thing.  It stated that research recently done has found that it’s possible that people not exposed to the usual round of childhood illnesses and diseases, combined with the pathological (my word not theirs) cleanliness nowadays, has caused immune systems to delvelope differently.  Holy crap! 

So, eat some dirt!  Let your kids play with the kid that has a cold.  And for God’s sake PLEASE stop running around with those damn hand sanitizers!  I just want to slap those damn things out of people’s hands when I see them! 

You are weakening your immune system to the point of non-existence by doing that.  You have an immune system for a reason.  It fights off disease, and immunizes you against further attack against the virus in the future.  If it has nothing legitimate to do, it WILL find something, take my word for it. 

And in case it hasn’t blipped your radar, children who have had measles don’t require a booster case of measles at college age in order to keep from contracting it then!  That immunization lasts a lifetime.  Which means that the pseudo-immunization that you get from vaccinations doesn’t exactly count.  My guess is that the reason for the booster is because a vaccine is a mild version and your immune system creates a mild immunization to a trumped up virus.  It responds in kind.

MS and other autoimmune diseases are much more common in women.  They’re not sure why but, you guessed it, I have a theory.  It’s because men spend much more time outdoors and get much more dirty.  It was a man who invented the five second rule.  Men eat with dirty hands.  Men don’t contract as many autoimmune diseases because men have developed their immune systems much more naturally than women.  

Unless you’re in the sewer and you drop your sandwich, or it falls in a pile of buffalo poop, lose the terror of the germs.  They’ve been here longer than you.  They’ll outlast us all.  Forget about the segregation idea, you can’t live separate from them.  You can’t get rid of the germs!  They live on you 24/7/365.  They live IN you.  They live all around you.  They aren’t going away. 

When human beings first started being human beings we ate dead animals that weren’t even cooked.  We slept in the dirt.  We wore…well probably nothing for a long time, but after that we wore animal skins,  we sat on the ground, our tools were all made of stone, we didn’t have soap.  And we lived in that state for thousands and thousands of years.  We had no Ebola, no MARFAN, no black plague, no influenza.  If we had, humans would have been wiped out.  Or if we did, we had some kick ass immune systems that kept that wipe out from happening. 

What does that tell you about dirt and about being dirty?  Something to think about while you’re tossing out that freaking hand sanitizer.

Guitar Hero Causes Stupidity In Young People

October 2, 2008

I’ve had this notion stirring around in my head lately and it’s beginning to come into focus.  So, since it’s not fully formed yet, I decided to write it down.  You know me, I can’t ever wait until it’s right.

I’ve finally figured out why it is that (I hesitate to used this expression, you’ll see why) “the younger generation” think that they should begin their careers at the top of a corporation instead of at the bottom and working their way up.  It’s Guitar Hero’s fault.  Yep, you read me right.  Guitar Hero and every other video game that let’s you think you can play guitar, fly a plane, fire a machine gun, etc. without ever having any real experience with any of these things. 

I can sort of play a guitar.  I say sort of because I know how to make about eight chords and I can fram on the strings.  I can’t pick.  I can’t do any of the more complicated chords, I can’t do any real playing.  I play well enough to satisfy myself and most drunks who are listening for free.  I know what it took to learn just that little bit.  I know what it takes to get back to doing it again when I’ve let that guitar sit for awhile, too.

I’ve fired a machine gun.  (Let me just say that it was an exhilarating experience.  I blew the holy hell out of the tops of some young timber!)  You don’t just pick one up and fire it well.  An XBox 360 cannot give you anything even remotely resembling a real feeling for what it’s like. 

    (I’ve never flown a plane.  I’ve ridden on one.  That’s it.  I like the riding, for the most part but I’m not real keen on the taking off or landing part.  It just gives me the willies!  The most primitive part of my brain starts talking to me during those times in a language that has been dead for many millions of years, asking me what the hell I am thinking, allowing myself to be hoisted up off the ground in a flying machine.  It all just gives me the ooobla doooblas big time.)

Younger people have a tendency to believe that having played Guitar Hero, they can play guitar.  Having flown an airplane on a video game, they can fly a plane.  It takes only a few hours to make a lot of progress on Guitar Hero or any other video games.  It seems easy.  After twenty hours of Guitar Hero, you’ve mastered the entire disk, opened every song, every video, bought everything available in the store.  Hell you’re a total ROCK STAR Baby!!!!!! 

Therefore, after four years of college, they should be able to be the CEO of a major corporation, right?  I mean, damn!  They put in four years already!!!!!!!   That should buy them at least the President of a major corporation!  What is this “start at the bottom and work your way up” crap, anyway?  They believe that having gone to college, they have already put in the work.  Going to college IS the work. 

Video games like Guitar Hero give them the impression that they can DO something that, unless they’re a prodigy, takes tons of hard work and dedication.  It gives them the impression that there is a shortcut to something that actually takes time and experience.  It’s no wonder that they come out of high school and college thinking that they can all start at the top. 

This whole thought process is prevalent in young people today.  It’s a common thread throughout their lives.  The appearance of accomplishment as opposed to actual accomplishment is easier.  I can feel like I can play the guitar with Guitar Hero instead of putting in the time and effort required to actually learn to play the guitar.  The problem is that the world doesn’t hold with the same belief system.  The disappointment and disenchantment that follows is sad.

Parents: Teach your kids to work towards the things they want.  Don’t hand them a car, let them work towards one.  Don’t hand them a cell phone, let them help pay the bill on theirs.  Help them plan for what they want and help them reach that goal.  Give them a reality check.  You’ll be doing them a far bigger favor than you will if you just hand it to them when they ask for it.  I’ll do it if you will!


**I almost said that kids today don’t know what hard work is.  That back in MY day…….but then I started hearing this echo in my head.  It was my parents and their parents and their parents parents.  It got really disconcerting.  But it was kinda like being high on drugs too so I kept on for a while and then deleted it all.


****** Just so you know I LOVE Guitar Hero and could kick ALL your asses at it!  Don’t make me prove it.

Updates From The Edge Of Nowhere October 2, 2008

October 2, 2008

I have been being chastised by several of my dearest friends, and probably the only people who actually check this thing on a regular basis, for not writing something.  Therefore, I shall update.

First off let me congratulate My Dearest Husband on being The Most Kick-Ass Driver EVER!!!!  He took a driving test last night using a fire truck.  Not a little fire truck either.  A big old HONKIN fire truck!  And he passed with flying colors.  I am suitably impressed.  Not even remotely surprised, but very impressed.  The man can drive like nobody’s business.  He backs up better than most people can drive forward.  However, since he hadn’t been able to practice driving the fire truck, it was truely awesome that he was able to do so incredibly well on the test.  Congratulations, MDH!!!  Yer still my hero!

The reason MDH wasn’t able to practice driving the firetruck was this:  On the day he was supposed to practice driving, our eighteen year old daughter came into town.  He chose to see her instead of going to firetruck driver training.  We haven’t seen her since she turned eighteen.  *sigh*  She looks great and she seems to be very happy and healthy.  It was a settling visit.  We agreed that we had forgotten how tiny she is.  She looms so large in our thoughts that she seems much bigger.  When you are in her presence, she is in actuality much smaller. 

I recently went to The Buddha’s school for “Are You Smarter Than Your Middle Schooler” night.  Last year I did really well.  This year, not so much.  I did well in geography.  I got demerits for not dressing out and participating in PE.  I did well in science and I want to go back every day and audit that class.  It’s very interesting and I learned a lot.  In math and math academy, I found myself sorely lacking.  The Buddha laughed at me.  😦  Had I not been so humiliated I would have laughed at myself.  Math?…..FAIL!!!!!!  Language Arts ruled.  I want to audit that class also.  Mainly because I would only have to read the stories and not have to do all the other work involved.  I’m sure I would fail the spelling tests.  My GOD the spelling word list for ONE week!  I used to be a spelling whiz and that dang list just about put me off my feed.  All in all I think I got about a C.  Being on the A-B honor roll, it left The Buddha feeling suitably superior and happy when we returned.  It was a good time.

Princess Bella……I’m tempted to refer you to my previous post.  ADHD, genius, entitled, way the hell too much like me, hard headed, curious, smart mouthed, ill tempered, short tempered, ill mannered, and fun, funny, sweet, smart, curious, intelligent, artistic, hard working, and a willing accomplice in anything you want to do.  She exhausts me within the first five minutes of every day.  If you can get her into bed at night without a screaming match, you can pat yourself on back and call it a success.  I have yet to see anything at all she cannot do, yet she will balk at doing everything, even if it’s her idea.  Example:  “Gammie, will you help me with my homework?”  “Sure, Bella, what do you need help with?”  “This right here.  I don’t get it.”  “Okay, let’s look at it.”  “AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHDDDDDDDDKAHLGFDLFJDSLKAGKFDJGALKSD.”   “Would you like some time in a quiet room to reflect on whether or not you actually need help?”  “NO I NEED HELP I DON’T GET IT!!!!!!”  “Then you might want to stop screaming long enough to look at the problem and see if we can figure it out.”  “WHY CAN’T YOU JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER?” “I won’t do that Bella.  You can’t learn how to do it if I answer it for you.  I will be happy to help you learn how to do it.  It’s not MY homework.”
“I HATE YOU.IHATEYOUIHATEYOUWHYCAN’TYOUJUSTDOWHATIWANTYOUTODO???????”  “Tell ya what, Belle.  You go in your room for a while and when you’re ready to do homework, you can come back out and we’ll look at that part that you don’t get, okay?”  STOMP, STOMP, STOMP.  When she’s calmed down, she will come back and we’ll get done.  But the initial argument MUST come first.  Why that must be is beyond me.  Maybe my answers will come after I have that imminent heart attack. 

Rocky has learned her way around a little better.  She can come and go as she pleases.  If I had the money I would buy her a GPS for Christmas.  Then she could go wherever she wanted to.  Podunk here is a FAR cry from Orlando, Florida.  It frets her to no end when she looks out the window and sees no living thing but animals.  She’s used to bright lights and non-stop action.  She loves that.  Those are the very things we moved out here to get away from.  It’s just not her kind of place.  I feel guilty that she’s here because of me and that she dislikes the place so much.  She left her home, her job, her friends, her life and her lifestyle to be here with me and to be completely honest, I am NOT good company.  She got screwed. 

The dogs are the dogs.  They are funny as hell and irritating beyond belief.  Dash, DeeDee’s son, has found his “special purpose in life” and is relenlessly humping his mother and sister.  *sigh*  I liked him better before that.  Which bothers me because he’s supposed to be that way.  I discussed snipping his nads last night with MDH.  MDH informed me that I could stop talking about that IMMEDIATELY.  *giggle*  That discussion has the same effect on all my male friends.  I used to do that when I worked at the vet.  It was stunningly easy to do.  This is not comforting information to guys. 

I am.  That’s about all there is to say about me.  My job is as a facilitator.  I fix it so that everyone else can have a life.  That’s MY life.  I swear one of these days I’m gonna take up drinking.  At least that way I’ll have something to do!

%d bloggers like this: