So…How Did Your Christmas Go?

December 31, 2007

Well, it went according to plan!  Hell must have frozen over solid.  Which means now I have to do all those dumb ass things I said I’d do when hell froze over!  (insert OH SHIT face here)

We woke up when it was quarter to light, made a pot of coffee, positioned the sleeping children in photogenic areas of the living room, poured the coffee, put on our happy faces and woke them up.  At this point they turned into the Tasmanian Devil in stereo.  The entire living room was aswirl in wrapping paper, squeals of delight, boxes, OH MY GODs, ignored socks and underwear, tiny pieces of now unplayable games, the sounds of every kind of noise making device known to man, and the grown ups laughing our asses off. 

It’s really a good thing that The Buddha keeps these memories like photographs because the camera apparently decided to take Christmas off and went to Bocca for the Holidays.  I couldn’t find it anywhere.  So memories and eighteen bags of trash are all we have to remember it by. 

The Buddha promptly re-wrapped every single one of his gifts just so that he could re-open them.  Seems that he really likes Christmas a lot.  Princess Bella copies every move he makes so she did the same thing, not as neatly or as consistently but she tried. 

I got a painting the I’ve been jonesing for, for about 3 or 4 months now.  After it was wrapped and put under the tree The Buddha kept trying to get me to guess what it was.  I kept guessing it was an Ipod.  It’s about 15 x 20 inches.  I tried to wear it on my arm, I tried to plug ear buds into it, I looked for music on I tunes for it.  It cracked him and Bella up over and over.  Lucky for me their entertainment threshold is as low as mine.

So now my painting is forever named Ipod.  Do you ever name your inanimate objects?  Like, my vacuum is named Eric because it sucks so well and I knew a guy named Eric who sucked just as bad  good.  It’s good for a vacuum but bad for a person to suck like that.  “Of all my relations I like sex the best and Eric the least.”  I love that quote.  It’s not mine, it’s from a book, but every time I think of Eric (the person not the vacuum) I think of that quote. 

Intyways, as Princess Bella and The Buddha say, I hope your holidays have been wonderful so far. 

We’re cooking for New Years.  It will be an all day affair starting tomorrow and ending on the first.  Down here in the Carolinas you have to have black eyed peas and collard greens for New Year’s Day.  The collard greens are for dollars and the peas are for cents.  It’s good luck.  We’re having some country ham, squash, potato salad and cornbread too.  Yall Come With Us Now. 

That’s a North Carolina saying.  You say that when you’re leaving someones house.  Now, if you were going to be here with us on New Year’s Day, we would be trying to send you home some of the left over food.  Cuz you do that in the South too.  It’s just good manners to send some home.  My freezer is full of that stuff.  Hey!  Lightbulb moment!  We’ll have some of that good stuff for New Year’s Day too!  Yall best come on over here and help us eat it, now!


The First Time Blackie Died…….

December 29, 2007

So My Dearest Husband, my mom Rocky, and me were sitting around the dining room table telling stories, which is what you do in the south in the evenings after dinner.  We had already discussed why MDH and Rocky didn’t ride horses: MDH because every time he had ever gotten on one there ended up being a bad story to tell afterwards, and Rocky because she had one when she was young and it had taken off running into the barn and knocked her off by slamming her head into a rafter.  (yikes!)

This started us talking about pets.  MDH had a peculiar series of pets, so to speak.  They were Blackie.  Blackie were cows.  His stepdad ran a van conversion shop that MDH worked at when he was young.  They kept a black cow in the yard out back.  This was done because they spent long hours at the shop and they could care for Blackie better if he was at the same location they were at.  Every year Blackie was taken to the slaughter house and *gulp* dealt with.  He then resided in the deep freeze until such time as he became dinner.

At this point another black cow was purchased, named Blackie, deposited in the yard at the shop and they started all over again.  Rocky and I were horrified to say the least.  I asked MDH how he felt when they took Blackie off to the slaughter house.  His reply was, “The first time Blackie died I felt pretty bad, the second and third times I felt bad but not so much.  After that I got used to it.”

Holy Crap!  I envision this never ending line of Blackie dying and reappearing again over and over while I’m simultaneously eating him on a sesame seed bun with cheese and a dill pickle!  Talk about things that make you shudder! 

After that we got on the subject of how it’s getting to be hog killing time.  If you know anything about the subject you know that it has to be coldto accomplish this particular task.  MDH was describing his first big boy job in the hog killing field.  He was finally old enough to go outside and help the menfolk kill hogs.  This was a yearly happening because his uncle had a “hog parlor”.  That’s right.  A place where hogs are kept in large barns, that have a huge pond where the hog …..um…..crap is dumped to fester and ferment, a place that stinks enough to knock a buzzard off a shit wagon, is called a “hog parlor”.  Cute ain’t it? 

Anyway, his first big-boy job at the hog parlor was when he was about 12 years old.  The hog is ……I’m trying to find a way to put this delicately………de-lifed, then hefted aloft by a piece of heavy equipment and dumped unceremoniously into a huge vat of boiling water.  This is done in order to scald the hair off of the carcass.  MDH’s job was to use a large paddle that resembles a boat oar, and push and turn the hog carcass under the water in order to make sure all the hair was scalded off of the dead hog.

Yeah.

I just picked fruits and vegetables, sold stuff, you know, things like that.  I was a townie.  None of my first jobs involved carcasses of any kind.  As a matter of fact, only one of my jobs ever involved carcasses, and that was just incidentally.  That was when I worked at the vet.  My first job there was squeezing dog butts.  Yeah, you heard me.  I squeezed doggie and kitty butt-holes for a living.  And you thought Blackie and the hog parlor were bad!

When I first started working at the vet, my job was bathing the animals when they first came in.  One of the most important parts of bathing them was expressing their anal glands.  There is actually a reason for this.  The anal glands contain the pure essence of dog and kitty shit smell in its most concentrated form.  It’s where that ever so distinctive scent comes from.  If it is expressed when the animal comes in, their feces doesn’t smell so bad while they are there.  Considering the number of doggies and kitties at the vet, this is a good thing.  It’s the Martha Stewart kind of good thing in the vet biz.

So, my job was to accomplish this ever so desirable state of affairs with each and every creature that graced our doorstep each and every day!  Yippee!  A little secret you might not know about doggies and kitties.  They take deep exception to having their butt-holes squeezed!  Yep, it’s true.  They really didn’t think much about it when I put them in the bathtub to bathe them and dip them, it was nuttin but a thang to them.  When I lifted their tails they sort of cocked their heads sideways as curious animals are wont to do, but still it was only a little out of the ordinary.  But when I took hold of that butt-hole and started to squeeze that baby like half an orange on a juicer………about seventy different kinds of horrified came over them all at once.

For the most part, the dogs were willing to forget the whole thing as long as I was willing to agree not to tell anyone that they cried when it happened.  The cats on the other hand…….a totally different story.  They gave me the sad, crybaby eyes like Puss N Boots in Shreck.  Then they went for my eyes.  It was like being inside of a blender.  All spinning and blades and blood.(mine) 

Yep, after dinner in the south is story time!  Yall come! 


Photos Page

December 21, 2007

I think I’ve fixed the Photo’s page.  I hope so.  I have to thank my good friend Melz for letting me know that the pics weren’t coming up at all any more.  They were probably just too big to show up.

The fact that they were so big came from a great guy at BlogCatalog, Tony Hogan.  He came to visit here and let me know that the pics were way too big, then told me how to fix them. 

He has some fantastic blogs here at WordPress that you need to read.  Mainly because they are so awesome but also because he was kind enough to tell me how to fix the pics so that my blog here will load in real time instead of geological time.

He has two blogs on WordPress:  http://acousticguitarist.wordpress.com  and  http://drnerdy.wordpress.com .  You can find the links to them listed in my blogroll to the left on this page.  You will probably have to scroll down.

If you go to either of these blogs you can find the Blogcatalog widget and just press it to get to his other blogs.  They are well worth the trip. 


Merry Christmas Dammit

December 21, 2007

I am of two minds when it comes to Christmas.  Not because I’m all religious and think that you should remember the reason for the season and all that.  I really don’t care about that because, having read way too much on the subject and still having a few functioning brain cells left with which to reason, I have my own peculiar beliefs on that subject which I will not bore you with right now.  No, I am of two minds because I want to get gifts for everyone I know or am even just a tiny bit acquainted with but I am fundamentally challenged and so I can’t.  Get it?  Fundamentally?  LOL  Sometimes I crack myself up!

I want to see happy faces because someone got exactly what they wanted.  I want to see that bright happy look of possibility in the faces of the people I love/like/look at when they get something they want.  I love to see the kid come out in adults when they get a really good gift.  Not necessarily an expensive gift, or a showy gift, but a thoughtful gift.  Something that is just for them.  Something that tells them that you thought of them.  Something that says that for that one moment in time they were honestly and surely on your mind in a kind and thoughtful fashion.

I like to give people gifts that are unexpected.  If I won the lottery I would spend the bulk of it on way cool presents for all the people that I have always wanted to get things for but couldn’t because I am terminally broke.  I would start with my family and work my way out.  Some things I would have to invent. 

I would invent the Wandering Vet an awesome lightweight fold-up self heating/cooling padded tent with solar power that would fold up into a backpack and contain a computer hookup.  How cool would that be?  I would make an awesome Santa!  I would give everyone I know the best and happiest dreams on Christmas Eve of the best and longest day ever with all of their favorite loved ones who aren’t here for the holidays. 

However, I am mostly happy this Christmas because I have my mommy, Rocky, with me this Christmas.  I’m stoked!  I’m revved!  And His Highness The Buddha has planned Christmas morning out to a T.  We have our places marked out by him as well as what we must be doing. (drinking coffee)  He and Princess Bella will be opening gifts on the floor (in photogenic positions) as we drink it.  It must be dark outside for some reason, therefore we will have to be up early.  I only hope it all lives up to his expectations because Buddha collects these memories like photographs. 

Back in my previous life with old Pencil Dick, I hated Christmas with a passion.  But life with My Dearest Husband has changed all that.  I love Christmas now.  I love when it snows now, too.  Because I know he will come get me if I get stuck or scared.  I even love the fact that I can get scared.  I blame him for that.  It’s really all his fault.  He’s turned me into a big old sissy.  Before I met MDH I had never cried over a movie in my life.  I mean that literally.  Now I’m just a big ball of crybaby.  I tell him he’s ruined my rep as a hard ass bitch.  He takes full blame.  But I digress.

Because of MDH I now love Christmas.  Alas, I’m still broke, I haven’t won the lottery, and I’m not magic.  I guess I’ll just have to wish that I could give you all everything you wish for in your secret heart of hearts. 

So, in the most comforting inner voice you can find, try to hear me saying this:  “Merry Christmas!  I wish you joy, I wish you comfort, I wish you peace, and I wish you thoughts of those you love and those who love you.”  You are in my thoughts not just this time of year but always.


I Only Left Home For A Little While

December 19, 2007

Yesterday was one of those days that reach out of the nether regions of the cosmos and pinch you right on the butt when you’re raising kids.  The only thing I had to do was take His Highness The Buddha to his counseling session, pick up a few things from the grocery, then pop back home for the rest of the day.  Simple, right?  HA!  Not even a little bit.

It started out normally enough, but I had one extra thing to do……call and make an appointment for Princess Bella at the Doctor.  She got into an altercation during “Fun Friday” at school and had a sore wrist.  Now Bella is the ultimate drama queen.  You have to borrow a super mega mondo microscope from NASA to see most of the “savage” injuries that she gets.  When she comes into the house screaming about how she is bleeding to death I usually have to pull a tiny corner off of a paper towel to pretend to blot up the microscopic drop of blood off of the alleged cut.

However, since she has Medicaid and we answer to that higher power at all times, I decided to cover my proverbial and prodigious ass and take her to be examined.  To my surprise we were sent to have X-rays and she ended up with a broken wrist!  Exactly what she said she had!  Which she has reminded me of every half hour since, by the way.  Now she is sporting a jaunty little Carolina blue cast on her arm and garnering untold amounts of sympathy.  She’s in heaven!  I’m up shit creek for not believing her.  *sigh* 

The original counseling appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM.  Bella’s first appointment was scheduled for noon.  And it proceeded from there.  By the time her little cast was put on and we had our instructions, it was after 5:00 PM.  I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel when The Buddha pipes up with………”Oh!  I forgot!  I have a band concert tonight at 6:30.  I need new dress pants because we aren’t allowed to wear jeans.”

When the cartoons show stars spinning in a circle around the cats head?  That comes from real life!  I saw stars.  I knew it was going to be a long, long time before I saw home.  We need sustenance, we need dress pants, we need children’s Motrin, we need to go to a band concert at school.  Also, I need a quiet place to have a small, quick little nervous breakdown.  We proceed to the nearest Chinese food buffet, speed eat, go speed shopping for dress pants, drive like we’re running through hell in gasoline britches to the school in order to get there on time, sit through a heavenly performance that was truly worth all of the hurry, then return home almost exactly twelve……thaaat’s right, twelve hours after we left.

I’m exhausted again just telling you about it.  In the process of all that, I wore a bra for twelve solid hours!  Do you have any idea how horrifying that is for a true child of the sixties and seventies????  The only reason I even OWN one now is that people gave them to me after the fire.  I was never so glad to get loose in my life! 

So, next time I leave the house for just a few minutes, I’m packing a survival kit.  It will include a good book, some of my favorite snacks, bottled water, help signs, a portable bed, some nice comfy jammies, my house, a coffee pot, my TV, a pillow, a blanket, my cell phone all charged up, my puppies, my fridge, the laundry, the washer and dryer, my computer, my favorite chair, My Dearest Husband, my mommie Rocky, Buddha, Bella, and some big fat fluffy socks.  I’m sure I forgot something that I’ll really need but that will do for a start.


New Additions To The Collection

December 11, 2007

We have now added one new human and one new puppy to our collection of beings that we live with.  Our zoo gets bigger.  I’m totally happy about both additions. 

The first one you know about already.  It’s my mommy, Rocky.  <insert huge sappy grin here>  She seems to be settling in well and we’re having a great time burning up the roads and shopping and all that great stuff.  We have trashed a whole giant container of coffee so far this week and we’re making a whopping dent in the mail order coffee I’ve been storing up for months.  Honestly, I’m going to crash like a 747 eventually, but for the moment I’m having the time of my life!

The second addition is a bulldog/hound-dog mix.  It’s a big fat rolly polly little thing that is absolutely darlin to look at and it makes my uterous clench just to hold him.  He is satisfying all my maternal instincts at the moment.  I have to keep a minute by minute check on myself just to keep from going to get his two fat little sisters and bringing them home too.  That’s just what we need, two more dogs.  I’m fast becoming the crazy dog lady of the hill already. 

My Dearest Husband has declared this puppy HIS.  He named him Jeremiah Johnson.  Only MDH is allowed to feed and water him.  This is because the rest of us overwhelm all of the animals with our eternal presence and MDH is left out in the cold because he works at night and sleeps during the day.  This limits his ability to be around during the normal “playing with the animals” hours of the day.  Therefore, we are not allowed to associate with JJ unless it is in MDH’s presence. 

However, as I stated previously, MDH sleeps during the day. <insert evil grin here> That big fat rolly polly little baby needs things during the day sometimes!  I’m sure he does.  (looks all innocent and stuff)  He cries.  He’s a baby and he’s lonely.  If he doesn’t get some company he will fail to thrive.  This is not good.  Hence, for MDH’s sake and for the sake of MDH’s baby puppy, I make the huge sacrifice of spending a lil old bit of time with that fat baby for him.  I only do it because I love him.  I wouldn’t do that for just anyone!

His Highness The Buddha and Princess Bella have both gotten great grades on their report cards.  Or is it progress reports?  They send me too many grades home.  I can’t keep up with what is what.  And they feel compelled to change things too.  Used to be that you got letter grades.  A’s were good.  E’s were very bad.  Now S’s are good.  E’s can be good too.  Maybe E’s are bad, who knows?  All I know is that Princess Bella’s teacher was all smiles and all her grades were either S’s (I assumed from the smiles that these were good) and A’s.  And The Buddha’s name was in the newspaper for honor roll so I also assume that his grades were good, although I have no earthly idea how in hell he does it. 

I feel a party coming on.  Not for any reason really, just because I want one.  I think this one will be a hill party.  We have lots of kids up here now.  And my mommy is here to help me get it all ready.  

And OMG……I found two, count em, two grey hairs in my head!  They were really pretty ones.  Not all dirty grey, but white grey.  I kinda like em.  I liked them so much when I found them that I pulled them out and saved them in an envelope for all time.  I think I will leave the replacements there when they grow back in.  I’m fifty years old now, after all.  I guess it’s time for my hair to start getting a little grey in it. 

Once it goes good and grey, I’ll go ahead and lose some weight because I won’t need the fat to fluff out those pesky wrinkles around my eyes anymore.  And I’ll stop wearing my hair in a pony tail too.  It was time to stop doing that anyway.  I only did it because it pulled the wrinkles out of my face and I had so many of them that I was almost wearing my face in a pony tail with just a little bit of hair hanging of the bottom of it!  THAT was just getting creepy.

However, I have started to think that maybe I need to start wearing my rear end in pigtails. 


%d bloggers like this: