If I spend too much time on my own, I think. This is never a good thing. If you have ever read any of my blogs, you already know this. If you haven’t, you might want to turn back now, for your own sanity. This could get ugly.
Don’t name your kid Robin Banks. It could lead to trouble. Along the same lines, if your last name is Clutter, best not to name your daughter Lotta. Children are cruel.
I have actually said this…….Stop throwing daddy’s underwear at your sister!
And this……..If you lock her in that cage and the neighbors have to get her out one more time! grrrrrrr
And this……..No, honey, it’s really not ok if you hurt your brother when we get home. I know, baby, I want to too. But we can’t, no matter how much we want to. (this is accompanied by snickers from the back seat)
I recently realized that I have the ability to become invisible! That’s right! And if you have teenaged children, you too can accomplish this amazing feat. All you have to do is take them out in public, which they will beg and plead for you to do. Immediately upon doing so, you will become……(insert drumroll here)…..INVISIBLE!!!!! You will no longer be seen or heard until you again reach the confines of your home. Incredible, right? I thought so too. (the invisibility cloak effect CAN be overcome if said teenager needs funds that only you can provide…..this is in fact a good time for YOU to teach them that THEY can also become invisible! *giggle*)
I sometimes like to wake the kids up by shaking them and pretending to talk while only moving my lips. Freaks them out and makes them think they can’t hear. (and I wonder why they hate me)
If I hate what my kids are wearing, I tell them that it’s the coolest outfit I’ve ever seen. They will immediately go to their rooms and take it off. I keep doing this until they put on something acceptable. At that point I begin to grumble about it being inappropriate and how much I hate it. It would take dynamite to get it off of them then.
White wheat bread rules. Kids can’t tell the difference. It’s my kind of sneaky.
Droughts suck. Rain rules…..unless it rains too much…..then rain sucks. It’s a thin line, ain’t it?
These words actually came out of my mouth and I wasn’t even drunk……….”It’s an ASH tray not a TRASH tray, put that hair on the floor where it belongs. (………….ok, I was going to try but I have no excuse and no defense for this one except that it was a long time ago and I have brain damage) (wonders if the brain damage card will play this time)
I wonder about myself sometimes. I really do. I mean, near as I remember I wasn’t even sweeping or vaccuuming or anything when I said that last one! I shock myself! Good Lord I hope that was the worst thing I ever said like that, because I will tell on me in a heartbeat! You see how I am! I obviously have no shame!
Pick your battles.
Sometimes, the ass whooping is worth it. I learned this from my ex. We went out to a honky tonk one night and he told me that I was cramping his style. To which I replied, “You have no style.” Sometimes, the ass whooping is worth it. *giggle* I frame that look on his face in my imagination to this day. (public service announcement: don’t live like that. you already know better. act on it. “but I love him” is not an excuse poison is poison and eventually it will kill you)
I want to raise chickens. My Dearest Husband fears that if I do, he will come home one day to find me and the kids doing a chicken dance out in the back yard. He’s probably right. But that’s what he likes about me. I ain’t normal.
Why was Beaver and Wally’s last name Cleaver? Kinda creepy, wasn’t it?
I wonder if Alfred Hitchcock ever got laid. I mean, he was like beaucoup famous and rich. But not really so very attractive. But then, to a certain kind of person, money is a damn good lookin thang, right? So he probably did. EW! Go away visual! Go AWAY!!!!