Red vs The Steam Roller………..Or, No, Red, It’s JUST YOU!!!!

I used to live on a very busy corner in town.  (see Great Quest For The Head Of The Possum post)  The house was at the bottom of a very steep hill, ” A very steep hill”.  When it snowed,  all you had to do was look at that bit of road and you could tell how much because no one would drive up it. 

One nice summer day I was sitting on the couch in my living room reading, while my dearest husband was sleeping.  He worked night shift then and he slept during the day.  It was a normal day.  As much as you can call any day with me in it normal.

It slowly came to me that something wasn’t right.  I wasn’t sure exactly what it was.  I looked up, I looked around.  I didn’t see anything wrong in the house.  I looked back down and started to read again.  Then it seemed like the couch was beginning to vibrate…..but no, it was the house that was beginning to vibrate.  Now that was odd. 

I got up, pulled aside the curtain on the door and looked out just in time to see a steam roller knock one of the brick supports out from under my porch roof, ride up onto the porch, hit the house, and then fall through the porch floor into the hole underneath it.

Well howdy!  I turned and walked halfway into the bedroom, turned and walked back to the door to look again, walked halfway back to the bedroom again, back to the door.  I realize that I have absolutely NO “a steamroller just hit my house” etiquette.  I have no idea what to do.  I am saved by my dearest husband’s voice calling from the bedroom inquiring as to what the !@#$%^ just occurred. 

I walked into the bedroom to explain and he is halfway out of bed and halfway into his pants.  I told him a steamroller hit the house.  He asked if I was OK.  I said yes.  He said OK.  He then proceeded to add to my already vociferous bad word vocabulary by leaps and bounds.  I was impressed!  And pleased.  You can never have too many bad words to choose from.  Especially in a situation like this. 

We went back to the door and gingerly went outside.  Not easy since the door bumped the part of the steamroller that was still above the porch floor when we opened it.  As we came off the porch a very pale, agitated, wet and odoriferous gentleman scampered up to me asking if I was OK.  Not quite in full grip of all my faculties yet, and not realizing who he was, I simply told him that I was fine.  Turns out he was the man driving the steamroller. 

People began showing up fairly quickly.  As I said in a previous post, the entire world passed our door 3 times a day at this house.  A steam roller sitting where the porch used to be drew a fair amount of attention. 

It just so happened that our landlord had a business just across the street and he saw the whole thing.  Bless his heart, I believe he nearly had apoplexy on the spot.  Everyone was very excited.  Especially that poor smelly fella that was driving the thing.  Eventually he began to explain to my dearest husband what happened.

He had driven the steam roller to the top of the very steep hill to use it paving a parking lot that was located just below the top.  As he got near the driveway to the parking lot, the brakes gave way on the steam roller.  He tried the emergency brake, but that gave way as well.  By that time, the steam roller was well on its’ way down the hill.  He decided that he would turn the roller towards the curb, with the idea that rubbing against the curb would stop it, or at least slow it down.  No such luck. 

By the time he realized that it was getting away from him and he wasn’t going to be able to stop it, he was fast approaching the intersection.  He couldn’t see beyond our house to see what was coming andhe was very frightened, so he bailed out.  The odoriferousness came from the fact that after he bailed out, he realized that what could have been coming was a bus load of children.  The imagery was too much for his bowels. 

When the steam roller was rolling down the hill scraping against the curb, I felt it shaking the house.  When it reached our driveway, it turned slightly and ran up into our yard, crushed a bush, abolished the brick porch post, broke through the brand new 2 x 6 flooring of the porch right before my eyes, hit the house about 3 feet to the left of me and the rest is history.

We made the front page of the paper.  The insurance put a new porch on the house and bought us a new table and chairs to put on it.  And we were known for years afterwards as the people who’s house got hit by the steam roller.

I ask people this all the time……….Is it just me, or do things like this happen to you too? 

 The answer is always………No, Red, It’s Just YOU!!!!!


One Response to Red vs The Steam Roller………..Or, No, Red, It’s JUST YOU!!!!

  1. markofando says:

    Want to start your private office arms race right now?

    I just got my own USB rocket launcher 🙂 Awsome thing.

    Plug into your computer and you got a remote controlled office missile launcher with 360 degrees horizontal and 45 degree vertival rotation with a range of more than 6 meters – which gives you a coverage of 113 square meters round your workplace.
    You can get the gadget here:

    Check out the video they have on the page.


    Marko Fando

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