Odd Things You Say If You Are Raising Kids, Updated, one mo gin

Here are a few odd things you might find yourself saying if you are raising kids:

No, it is NOT ok to paint the dog blue!

Who, exactly, decided to use MY razor to shave the cat???

Why is the cheese in the silverware drawer?  (This one was actually my doing, but I still maintain that the only reason I put it there was because they were driving me crazy)

How long has the dog been on the porch in this dress?  (insert sad amount of time here) No, she doesn’t like the dress!  Every time she tries to walk she steps on the dress and it chokes her! 

WHO PUT THE DOG ON TOP OF THE REFRIGERATOR????? WELL, YOU TELL “I DON’T KNOW”  TO GET HER DOWN NOW!!!!!! (And people wonder why small dogs shiver!)

Why are your sisters good shoes on the roof?

Where are your eyebrows????? (This one was actually fun, after the initial shock wore off.  The next day was a school day.  So we drew some on with eyebrow pencil. Much fun was had by all in the process.  We also gave him a fu manchu when we practiced the night before.  But, I digress.  He went to sleep on the bus the next morning and one of his eyebrows kinda got stuck to his arm…….DUDE!  DUDE!!! YER EYEBROW FELL OFF!!!  LOLOLOL)  That one never gets old.

Um, honey?  What is that purple circle around your mouth and nose?  (Turns out she was sucking all the air out of a plastic cup to see if it would stick to her face, and she did a really, REALLY good job of it!)

Do I look stupid to you? ( I actually lost my mind and asked my daughter this.  She never said a word.  Just cocked her eyebrow at me as if to say…..”um….YES!”  I was immediately on the floor laughing, no longer angry, and so proud of that little rascal that I almost exploded! )

What were you doing with my toothbrush in the bathtub????  Followed quickly by….WHY did you stick all the toothbrush heads together????????? OH MY GOD!!!!!   *shudder*

Um, if you leave that Ace bandage around your neck for much longer your head will fall off, you know that, right??

Ok, from now on, the dog is no longer allowed to play hide and seek with you!……..Because the oven is NO place for a dog to be left accidentally, that’s why!

Who froze the thermometer in the ice cube tray?????

*Sigh* No, you can’t duct tape your sister to the ceiling fan.

GET THIS FROG OUT OF THE BLENDER RIGHT NOW!

For the last time, the microwave does NOT dry your clothes faster than the clothes dryer.

Honey, help me on this one.  The kids are outside twirling each other in circles like a jumprope in the hammock.  While it seems like a rip roaring good time, it also seems likely to end up with someone’s head busting open like a ripe watermelon.  Should I tell them to stop or just let them take their chances?  ( I get really tired sometimes and need help making what seem like pretty obvious decisions later on.)

Why are there so many blue trees in the woods outside of our house?  And also, while I’m on the subject, why do so many of them seem to be named Becky?

Honey?  Can that puppy walk or is there something wrong with it?  Because it’s feet haven’t touched the ground one time since it got up here on the hill, and I was just wondering.  (the kids carried it around all the time)

Two things: 1. No, you cannot have a pet snake, and B. If you did have a pet snake you most certainly could NOT keep it in the hen house!

Bella!  If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times!  You can’t teach dogs gymnastics!  She will never be able to do a cartwheel!  STOP SPINNING HER LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW!  *sigh* no, they can’t do splits either.

I’m not even going to ask who did it.  All I’m saying is this.  The next time I find a dog asleep in the back seat of my truck WITH a pillow and blanket!, someone is going to be grounded until their kids are 30 years old, got it?????

That was really very nice of you to bring me the very first tiny tomato to show me.  It’s neat, huh?  Here’s the thing:  Now it won’t have a chance to grow into a big shiny red tomato.  Why?  Well, because you killed it by pulling it off the freakin vine, that’s why.  No, no.  I’m not mad.  It’s ok.  We’ll have more.  Will you do me a favor though?  Don’t bring me the whole plant next time, ok?  Just call me and I’ll walk outside and look at it with you OUT THERE.  (insert maniacal, excruciatingly difficult smile here)

Why is all the gravel under the carport raked up in a huge pile?  (Bella wanted to start a rock collection and she really thinks big!)

Please, please, please don’t play hide and seek with the dogs anymore.  They don’t understand the rules, they can’t count to 100 and they don’t know how to get out of the trash can because THEY DON’T HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don’t make me tell you one more time NOT to lock your sister in the dog pens!

New rule: No scuba diving in the pond.  No teaching your sister to scuba dive in the pond.  And for future reference, dogs do not know how to use a snorkel!

Please take the suitcase full of rocks out of the house.  Thank you.

Betcha won’t do THAT again!  (this was foolishly said by me the FIRST time Buddha got one of those teeny tiny rubber bands they make for braces stuck on his big toe and it turned purple)

Mousetraps are not, I repeat, NOT toys!

Dogs don’t wear rings.  No, not even earrings.  Does she look like she feels pretty?

Bella…BELla…BELLA!!!!!  Do not put that dog on top of the monkey bars!  …….Because, at the risk of repeating myself, dogs do not have opposable thumbs and he can’t hang on!  Um…he doesn’t like the slide either, he told me so!

No, Buddha, I will not send your sister to a group home and leave my husband so that you can go live in an apartment in town!  Yer a country boy now, learn to live with it. Sheesh

No, the dishwasher is NOT good for washing shoes!  Remove them.  NOW!

Your bicycle helmet is NOT for the dog to wear.  No, they don’t make knee pads for them. 

Just out of curiosity, did it occur to you at any time while you were climbing up there that you would eventually have to come down?

No, for the last time, hitting someone because you think they are planning to hit you is NOT called self defense!  And by the way, when I said use your words instead, I didn’t mean THOSE words, and you know it!

I can honestly say that I have no idea if tye dye will come out of the dog.  *sigh*  Poor thing…..but yea, he is really pretty that way.  Yes, I guess dog hair is a natural fabric.  I’ve never looked at it that way.

We won’t go into those things you wonder about but are too terrified to ask, like……wonder why I haven’t seen the hamster in a while, and what is this hairy goop floating around in the big jar???  *gulp*

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  6. thought4food says:

    LOLOLOLOLOLOL at spanking the penguin!

  7. Amy says:

    LOL oh my daughter comes home from school many days with the purple ring LOL

  8. Trumanda says:

    Haha that list is great. My oldest is not ever 3 ye and i have found myself saying some pretty strange things already. My favorite thing i have had to say t him is ‘ Tristan don’t spank the penguin ‘ makes me chuckle just thinking about it.

  9. DawnMarie says:

    I must say that I nearly peed my pants laughing! What a GREAT way to start the earliness of today! KUDOS!

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